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For the third year in a row, it was time to tackle the Scottish Highlands with the youths. After two timeless classics (
viewtopic.php?f=9&t=109873 and
viewtopic.php?f=9&t=114072 ), would the third instalment of the trilogy measure up? Would it reach the heights of Rocky 3 or Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome? Or would there be a regrettable dip in quality -- a slightly disappointing Godfather 3, or even worse?
Well...judged by itself, I reckon we are in the territory of Jaws 3: the Revenge. July did not have pleasant weather overall, and the 14th to 16th were particularly bad. Still, there's been a recent tendency to split the third installment of films in two: a disappointing opener followed by a solid final chapter. So perhaps July's trip is merely the prelude to the thrilling conclusion, coming in 2024; perhaps it is a disappointing opener in which our protagonists reach their lowest ebb before next year's triumph.
Anyway, you've paid your money and the theatre doors are now locked. So:
Previously on "I Hate Young People"...
For two years, the youths (who are unspeakably awful) and I have been travelling to Scotland to tackle some moderately challenging walk in the Scottish mountains. In year 1, we tackled the Braeriach - Cairn Toul traverse. In year 2, we tackled the Aonachs to Ben Nevis via the CMD arete. And in year 3, the plan was to descend on Braemar and walk the Ben MacDui circuit from Derry Cairngorm to Carn a'Mhaim, diverting to take in Beinn Mheadhoin as well. In clear weather, it would be a stunning round.
While the youths are a year older, they are still in their late 20s. And they are ridiculously physically fit. In fact, it is getting worse. Their annual or biannual marathon has now given way to marathons or trail runs every other weekend. It is only a matter of time before they get into triathlons, ultra-marathons and ironman events. As I said, they are utterly beneath contempt.
But for a third installment, let's delve a little deeper into character. The issue is not just that the youths gambol happily up the hills in their high-tech walking gear, checking their heart rate, blood oxygenisation, probably bowel functions as well, etc, on various alien devices. Although I am only 12 or 13 years older, the real issue is that I think there is a profound cultural divide between us. The youths are much too
nice. Some time between 2000 and 2010, the youth got in touch with their feelings.
Don't they know that it is wrong to be happy, hopeful, alive with the promise of a new day? That a person should be bitter and resentful? That life is bleak and they should be quiet, and meek, and grateful, and also quiet again? And where are their vices? Where are their secret shames, or shameless indulgences?
Additionally, they are much too mature. I bet they would pass by this sign stony-faced.
And they would not appreciate a trip to Wanlockhead on nearly as many levels as I do.
Also, the youths are idiots. Look at their foolish faces.
- Youths in their natural state
Don't tell me these complaints are unfair and inconsistent. I am very wise and venerable and the youths are horrific.
But let's get to the walk. The weather forecast for Friday 14th July was not promising. It was virtually certain that we would spend a lot of the walk being rained on. And the wind was picking up. However, while early July had also been rainy across the highlands, the cloud had been quite high and views had come and gone. I hoped we might get some cloud free peaks, at least when the wind blew the rain away. We were heading for disappointment.
Oh look! That route map doesn't include Ben Macdui. Something must have gone wrong.
We started out from the car park along from the Linn of Dee. It was a grey day, with light, fine, misty rain. There did not appear to be any breaks in the cloud cover, and so my hopes that the cloud might come and go were fading. Nevertheless, the walk up Glen Lui was delightful, with the typical Cairngorms feel of flat-topped hills with steep heather-covered flanks, large well-maintained paths, and wide rivers. We saw no one else on the walk in.
- The youths wondering onward. Alongside the Lynx, they make a good case for the reintroduction of the Tyrannosaurus Rex.
- Forest and river -- could only be the Cairngorms.
- Pretty sure that's Càrn a' Mhàim ahead, hiding in the cloud, if you look past the eyesore of the awful youth ahead.
We made quick progress to Derry Lodge, crossed the bridge and heading up the little path through the woods that branches off towards Derry Cairngorm. The weather was still fine for a valley walk -- a bit of misty rain -- but as we gained height the cloud grew nearer and the wind started to pick up. The youths obviously wanted to climb the initial peak as quickly as possible, and for the first 200 meters of ascent, I more or less kept pace. But their climbing rhythm is just different to mine. Mine is dignified, hinting at vast reservoirs of untapped power (that is to say, ponderous -- ponds of untapped power). Their's is somehow weightless, as if the youths run on helium, or are filled with air.
Anyway, it wasn't long before the airheads started to pull away from me, although they did once stop for me to catch up.
- Youth 1 chasing youth 2, with me barely visible further down the path. I consider it very rude of youth 1 to take any photo that does show me in the lead.
- The youths "politely" waiting for me, while plotting unspeakable horrors.
And then we were into the cloud. I have various photos of the youths disappearing into the mist. With any other animal, it might add an air of mystery: see now the majestic youths, elusive in the mists of their mountain home. But no, they're equally unimposing when glimpsed through cloud. You'd get a better artistic effect photographing wheelie bins in the fog.
- A last look down before entering the cloud
- Youths in the mist
- Youth in the mist
- Youths in the mist 2: still rubbish
- Ah, at last: a clear shot of the ignoble youth, displaying its carefree smugness.
- Youth 1, probably trolling someone online.
Approaching the summit of Derry Cairngorm, there was nothing visible, just greyness, and wetness, and cold, and despair. We huddled down for some lunch. Obviously I didn't huddle together with the youths -- I don't know where they've been.
There's not much of a path visible down the far side of Derry Cairngorm, at least not in the cloud. But the terrain is not too bad, and we navigated by GPS. A single compass bearing would also be enough. Eventually we hit the much-more-obvious path from Loch Etchachan and Ben Macdui. I suppose Loch Etchachan was somewhere below us -- it is meant to be quite a view -- but we saw nothing. We turned right, crossed the river, and began the steep slog up Beinn Mheadhoin. There was still no sign of the rain letting up or the cloud breaking. Again, the youths sped on ahead of me, but youth 1 was beginning to lag a bit.
- I know you're all hoping he fell in, but I'm afraid he didn't.
I caught up with the youths just before the first peak of Beinn Mheadhoin, where the wind had really picked up. They were feeling the cold, given that they consist of nothing but skin, and muscle, and sensitivity. I explained that the actual peak was quite a long way across the plateau, which did not please them. But they begrudgingly set off, and after a few false summits had loomed out of the mist, we arrived at the huge tor that forms the top of the mountain. Obviously the youths did not attempt the scramble up the tor to visit the actual peak, so they don't really count as having climbed the mountain at all. They might as well have stayed at home. And by "home" I mean some form of mandatory camp for the insufferably young.
I climbed the tor, but it was fairly unpleasant in the wind and heavy rain.
- The summit
- Not much of a view from the top.
We were pleased to have made the top, but it was time to think about whether it was worth finishing the round and heading to Ben Macdui. It was pretty cold and wet. And underneath the smiles, I could tell that youths were inwardly crying. (I have some evidence, salvaged from Youth 2's phone.)
- Inane grins
- Youth 2 and a magnificent specimen of manliness
- The youths have managed to take a collective selfie, probably by poking blindly at their electronic devices.
- Assuming you haven't just brought up your breakfast all over the screen, here is youth 2 looking perturbed.
Here there is a wrinkle to the story. Last year, youth 1 had had a bit of trouble with his knee when descending Ben Nevis. That problem seems to have become worse. Even if the weather had been superb, it wasn't clear that youth 1's knee would manage too much more ascent and descent (particularly the descent). So we decided to call it a day, and head down towards the Lairig an Laoigh path. But more on the knee later, at the end of this report.
We passed a pair of equally wet and windblown walkers when descending Beinn Mheadhoin, crossed the river again and headed down the path into the valley. We soon dropped out of the cloud and wind, making the walk a good deal more pleasant. The cliffs on the sides of Derry Cairngorm and Beinn Mheadhoin look quite impressive, but we only had a partial view.
- Youth 2 still smiling. But I'd successfully broken youth 1's spirit.
- Ha! Now we're on the descent, I have the advantage. More momentum.
- The flank of Beinn Mheadhoin
- The path above the Hutchison Memorial Hut
Disappointingly, the bridge at the bottom didn't collapse with either youth 1 or youth 2 on it. Not even after I had tried to weaken it.
- I pray to any and all gods. Even obscure ones, like Moloch.
- Damn it; still solid as a rock.
The walk back down to Derry Lodge is longer than I had expected. The distance of Beinn Mheadhoin should not be underestimated. But the weather in the valley was quite pleasant (if still a bit wet). Unfortunately, the pleasantness of the surroundings was largely ruined by the youths' half-hour conversation about which footballer is better than which other footballer. They are, to reiterate, utterly revolting. And I don't really understand why the youths care about whether another overpaid youth can boot a sack of air into a net.
- Derry Cairngorm looming above
- This is rather nice (but long).
- You feel the up and down at the end of the day.
- The youths deep in trivial conversation
- My real-time reaction.
So we made it back to the car, surprisingly tired, and that was it for 2023's mountain adventure with the youths. We still had a couple of days in Braemar, which we put to good use.
- Disappointingly, the youths were not ID-d.
And on the Sunday, I climbed a Corbett in somewhat better weather (but high wind) while the youths watched Wimbledon.
- Better weather for a Corbett
- Loch Callater, peaceful without youths.
- Ben Avon clear, but in 50 mph wind
What, however, of youth 1's knee trouble? Will it prevent an expedition in 2024? Will we return in I Hate Young People 3, Part 2: redemption? Signs are unclear. But as I'll be another year more senior (i.e. older), another year more prosperous (i.e. fatter), and another year wiser (i.e. more irascible), the youths had better get training. My sedan chair will not carry itself up the next mountain.
